Rambles

Rambles

Everyday I remind myself that in September my life will change.  I will have opportunities for a better future.  I will be mentored by wise professors.  I will be surrounded by individuals all striving for the same professional impact for their communities.  I will be working towards an ambition that has restlessly stirred in my heart for over a year now.

These months leading up to the start of grad school have challenged me.  I’ve measured my worth by a part-time job that leaves me feeling defeated, degraded, and stuck.  I’ve sacrificed time with family, Josh, and clients because my availability for my true passions in life have been limited.  I interact with ungrateful, ignorant, impatient customers everyday.  I wish they knew that my future is much brighter than me standing behind a cash register.  They only see me as a girl who is stuck working at a minimum wage job.  If they only knew where I will be in less than 4 months.

I worked at a wine festival a few weekends ago and it was the most fun I’ve had working in a long, long time.  It was chaotic, it was stressful, it was exhausting, but it was wonderful compared to the monotony of retail.  I felt like I was contributing to society in an enjoyable way (because let’s be honest, who doesn’t enjoy wine?!).

I haven’t logged my runs in my Believe journal in over 2 weeks.  I think my mileage has hovered somewhere between 25-30 miles.  I’ve only been able to get in one speed workout per week (my goal when I made my training plan had been two); however, I feel like my speed workouts have been strong.  Luckily this spring I decided to only compete in shorter races (my longest being a half-marathon next month).  I’m giving myself kudos for not signing up for an ultra.  It would’ve been stressful trying to squeeze in necessary runs to train for a race of that distance.  I run at all times of day – early mornings, mid-day, or late afternoons – whenever I can fit it in.

Josh & I have been counting down the days until our vacation in 17 days.  SEVENTEEN DAYS.  This vacation will be a reset for both of our lives.  It will be the biggest adventure of our relationship thus far.  It will be time spent together that we’ve needed for months now. I can’t wait to board a plane with him for his first plane ride ever.  I can’t wait until he sets eyes on the mountains of Colorado for the first time.  I can’t wait to explore new places with him.  Most importantly, I can’t wait to make memories with him that will last us a lifetime.

I’ve been following OTs and OT students on Instagram and blogs and it just makes me so excited for the future.  I know grad school will be hard.  I know the sacrifices I’ve made these past few months to save up a little extra money will be menial when I get a true career.  I know that my life will be better once grad school starts even though it will surely be more stressful.

Life is a challenge but when you surround yourself with supportive, empowering, loving people the challenges are manageable.  You find ways to overcome challenges with such people.  You learn about yourself.  You learn about the people who love you.  You learn that life can be made better when you stand by your choices, when you look out for yourself, and when every ounce of your body is determined to turn away from your burdens and strive for your aspirations.

 

Oh, January..

Oh, January..

I can’t believe an entire month has already flown by.  It feels like the first day of 2017 was just yesterday but that’s hardly the case!  January hasn’t treated me poorly, but some days I wish that it would’ve treated me better.  In retrospect, I’m grateful for every day that has gone by, but at times it has seemed like a challenging month.  I can’t specifically pinpoint what has made it challenging.  It’s just been hectic and mind-boggling and wonderful all at the same time.

Let’s start with the lingering cloud over my head.  Let me explain.  I currently work a part-time job that has gone from 22 guaranteed hours per week to 32 guaranteed hours per week.  This I am content with.  I have more income to make payments on my student loans.  I have a little bit more flexibility in what I can purchase and spend money on.  However, there’s not a day that goes by that I question my employment choice.  I work every weekend (Saturday and Sunday) and have work starting at 4:45 AM two weekdays per week.  To begin, I absolutely hate working weekends.  I’m the only one out of all my co-workers that works both Saturday AND Sunday.  My family doesn’t work weekends.  Josh doesn’t work weekends.  I miss out on the weekend adventures I used to look forward to every weekend.  I’m stuck inside while the people I follow on Instagram are out on long trail running adventures.  On weekdays, my alarm goes off at 3:45 AM and I absolutely hate getting out of bed while the rest of the world is still dreaming.  I wake up cold and I wake up tired no matter how early I try to go to bed.  It’s misery to me.  I’m stuck, miserable, and regretting my agreement 5 months ago to work weekends and to agree to the early opening shift.  I’ve talked to numerous close friends about this.  My parents constantly remind me I have to start at the bottom of the totem pole.  But honestly, I can’t even see the top right now.  I have no idea how I’ll ever get away from the bottom of the totem pole.  I see nowhere to go.  I don’t want to work weekends while the rest of the normal work world gets to relax and enjoy their two days off.  I don’t want to wake up 3 hours before the sun rises.  I want something else. I want to be happy.  Out of the 32 hours I work in a week, I’m miserable for 23 hours of them.  So, with all this being said, January has treated my job choices like crap and produced much regret and second-guessing.

January has also made me want to work harder for a job that will indeed make me happy.  I want to be happy 32 hours of 32 total.  I want to wake up with the sun, not before it.  I want to have my weekends to spend with my family, friends, and my wonderfully supportive boyfriend.  These are the things I tell myself when I’m most unhappy.  I need to work harder in order to be happier.  I don’t want anyone to be controlling my amount of happiness.  I am in complete control of my future.  I just crave work-free weekends, no more early alarms, and overall job content-ness.

January has been busy.  With a combination of working, running, helping out with the family business, trying to start my own business, trying to organize my room so I can get rid of the childish pink covering my walls, and attending family gatherings, it’s been chaotic.  There’s so many good things that have happened in January.  I’ve been running more consistently which is great.  Being an Altra Ambassador has augmented my enjoyment of running and the running community.  I’ve tried to squeeze in more post-run stretching sessions (I’ve slacked toward the end of the month though).  I’ve celebrated four loved ones’ birthdays – my dad, my brother, Josh, and my grandfather’s.  I won a $20 Starbucks gift card for walking on a treadmill for 5 minutes (% grade was 30% so it was a tough 5 minutes!).  I’ve made people smile and laugh.  I’ve enjoyed many glasses of wine.  I’ve spent time with my dogs.  I’ve been invited to Colorado with Angela.  I’ve consumed pizza, delicious salads, and delicious desserts!  All good things.  All things that have kept me sane.

I’m overcome with negative thoughts when I have to go to work.  But then I talk to Josh or my friends and family and they tend to reset my attitude.  I go for a run and my mind becomes de-cluttered.  It’s a cycle of negativity and positivity that I can only hope becomes just positivity one day.

I’m hoping to stay mentally focused on my goal in February of starting my own health coaching services.  I’m hoping to repaint my room and redecorate my walls.  I’m hoping to run more miles and become a stronger runner.  I’m hoping to stretch for a minimum of 10 minutes per day to work on my flexibility.  I’m hoping to have more moments of happiness than moments of sadness and anxiety.  I’m hoping to become more confident in my choices.  I’m hoping to be the best Altra ambassador I can be to represent a brand I love.  I’m hoping to continue to be grateful for the days where I’m happy and even the days in which I’m unhappy.  I’m hoping to find new meaning and purpose through my goals. I’m hoping for the best in February.  I’m hoping for a change – a change for the best.

Goodbye, January.  It’s time we go our separate ways.  It’s time for a new month – a short month but a new month nonetheless.  Thanks for teaching me about adult life.  Thanks for teaching me to work harder.  Thanks for giving me happiness, sadness,  gratitude, and most importantly, love.  Thanks for propelling me into a new month with bigger goals so I can get closer to climbing out of the rut you put me in.  We’re one more month closer to spring – and spring means pure happiness, right?