A reminder to myself:

Yesterday I tweeted this:  “Daily Reminder:  take a risk even if it scares you.  Your happiness is worth more than the fear you feel taking the risk itself.”  Even though I’ve tweeted it to remind myself of this more positive mindset, I’m still fearful of taking risks that scare me.  I’m the type of person that likes everything structured, planned out, and crystal clear.  I like to see some sort of direction in where my life is  headed, but lately I haven’t seen a direction.  I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of an intersection where I could choose between 10 different roads.

A lot of people look forward to the weekends.  Everyone celebrates “TGIF”.  But to me, “TGIF” becomes “here we go again, I have work while everyone else gets to relax and enjoy themselves”.  I’m not trying to throw myself a pity party – I’m just stating the facts.  I get bummed out every Friday because I know I’m stuck.  I know I’m going to be miserable for the next 2 days.

So, after feeling all of this and complaining about it, why am I still so hesitant to make a change?  Honestly, I just don’t know.  I don’t have an answer.  I want to have my weekends to do exciting weekend-y things.  But I’m fearful of taking a risk because what if I fail?  Then what do I do?  Then, I’m back to square one. Back at the bottom of the totem pole where I’m currently stuck.  But then again, if I succeed, I won’t be at the bottom of the totem pole.  I won’t be miserable every Friday knowing I have a miserable weekend of work ahead of me.  So…I need to take a risk.  My potential happiness should outweigh my current fear.

I looked back at my last blog post and saw the goals I had typed out to the blog world.  I wanted to start my own health coaching services this month.  I’ve done more talking than doing.  I wanted to paint my room…I don’t even have paint.

But does this mean February has been a fail?  Not necessarily.  I still have that deep down expectation for myself to do bigger and better things.  I just need to take a leap of faith.  I’ve been encouraged by many friends (near and far) to get moving on this leap of faith.  I even received an email this week from a friend from Bloomsburg who sees potential in me to succeed and do great things in life.  Knowing that is reassuring.  Knowing that is a source of encouragement for me.  Knowing that is enough to get me to closer to taking that leap.

So as I stand at this figurative intersection surrounded by 10 different roads, I need to focus on one road, one direction.  I need to choose the road that will take me towards happiness and away from my own self-pity.  I need to choose a road with obstacles in the way so I can become a better person.  I need to choose the road best for me – the road that moves me closer to my goals.

 

Oh, January..

I can’t believe an entire month has already flown by.  It feels like the first day of 2017 was just yesterday but that’s hardly the case!  January hasn’t treated me poorly, but some days I wish that it would’ve treated me better.  In retrospect, I’m grateful for every day that has gone by, but at times it has seemed like a challenging month.  I can’t specifically pinpoint what has made it challenging.  It’s just been hectic and mind-boggling and wonderful all at the same time.

Let’s start with the lingering cloud over my head.  Let me explain.  I currently work a part-time job that has gone from 22 guaranteed hours per week to 32 guaranteed hours per week.  This I am content with.  I have more income to make payments on my student loans.  I have a little bit more flexibility in what I can purchase and spend money on.  However, there’s not a day that goes by that I question my employment choice.  I work every weekend (Saturday and Sunday) and have work starting at 4:45 AM two weekdays per week.  To begin, I absolutely hate working weekends.  I’m the only one out of all my co-workers that works both Saturday AND Sunday.  My family doesn’t work weekends.  Josh doesn’t work weekends.  I miss out on the weekend adventures I used to look forward to every weekend.  I’m stuck inside while the people I follow on Instagram are out on long trail running adventures.  On weekdays, my alarm goes off at 3:45 AM and I absolutely hate getting out of bed while the rest of the world is still dreaming.  I wake up cold and I wake up tired no matter how early I try to go to bed.  It’s misery to me.  I’m stuck, miserable, and regretting my agreement 5 months ago to work weekends and to agree to the early opening shift.  I’ve talked to numerous close friends about this.  My parents constantly remind me I have to start at the bottom of the totem pole.  But honestly, I can’t even see the top right now.  I have no idea how I’ll ever get away from the bottom of the totem pole.  I see nowhere to go.  I don’t want to work weekends while the rest of the normal work world gets to relax and enjoy their two days off.  I don’t want to wake up 3 hours before the sun rises.  I want something else. I want to be happy.  Out of the 32 hours I work in a week, I’m miserable for 23 hours of them.  So, with all this being said, January has treated my job choices like crap and produced much regret and second-guessing.

January has also made me want to work harder for a job that will indeed make me happy.  I want to be happy 32 hours of 32 total.  I want to wake up with the sun, not before it.  I want to have my weekends to spend with my family, friends, and my wonderfully supportive boyfriend.  These are the things I tell myself when I’m most unhappy.  I need to work harder in order to be happier.  I don’t want anyone to be controlling my amount of happiness.  I am in complete control of my future.  I just crave work-free weekends, no more early alarms, and overall job content-ness.

January has been busy.  With a combination of working, running, helping out with the family business, trying to start my own business, trying to organize my room so I can get rid of the childish pink covering my walls, and attending family gatherings, it’s been chaotic.  There’s so many good things that have happened in January.  I’ve been running more consistently which is great.  Being an Altra Ambassador has augmented my enjoyment of running and the running community.  I’ve tried to squeeze in more post-run stretching sessions (I’ve slacked toward the end of the month though).  I’ve celebrated four loved ones’ birthdays – my dad, my brother, Josh, and my grandfather’s.  I won a $20 Starbucks gift card for walking on a treadmill for 5 minutes (% grade was 30% so it was a tough 5 minutes!).  I’ve made people smile and laugh.  I’ve enjoyed many glasses of wine.  I’ve spent time with my dogs.  I’ve been invited to Colorado with Angela.  I’ve consumed pizza, delicious salads, and delicious desserts!  All good things.  All things that have kept me sane.

I’m overcome with negative thoughts when I have to go to work.  But then I talk to Josh or my friends and family and they tend to reset my attitude.  I go for a run and my mind becomes de-cluttered.  It’s a cycle of negativity and positivity that I can only hope becomes just positivity one day.

I’m hoping to stay mentally focused on my goal in February of starting my own health coaching services.  I’m hoping to repaint my room and redecorate my walls.  I’m hoping to run more miles and become a stronger runner.  I’m hoping to stretch for a minimum of 10 minutes per day to work on my flexibility.  I’m hoping to have more moments of happiness than moments of sadness and anxiety.  I’m hoping to become more confident in my choices.  I’m hoping to be the best Altra ambassador I can be to represent a brand I love.  I’m hoping to continue to be grateful for the days where I’m happy and even the days in which I’m unhappy.  I’m hoping to find new meaning and purpose through my goals. I’m hoping for the best in February.  I’m hoping for a change – a change for the best.

Goodbye, January.  It’s time we go our separate ways.  It’s time for a new month – a short month but a new month nonetheless.  Thanks for teaching me about adult life.  Thanks for teaching me to work harder.  Thanks for giving me happiness, sadness,  gratitude, and most importantly, love.  Thanks for propelling me into a new month with bigger goals so I can get closer to climbing out of the rut you put me in.  We’re one more month closer to spring – and spring means pure happiness, right?