Disconnecting…

For the last week and a half, I’ve disconnected myself from social media for more than just one reason.  I haven’t scrolled through my Instagram feed or posted any pictures.  I haven’t scrolled through my Twitter or tweeted anything. I’ve used Facebook for the sole purpose of communicating to friends/family through Messenger because my phone doesn’t get service while I’m at work. Despite using Messenger, I haven’t scrolled through my Facebook feed at all.

I’ve disconnected myself in attempt to avoid whatever drama is occurring on social media.  I’ve disconnected myself in attempt to focus on myself rather than focusing on what everyone else is doing and what I might be missing out on.  I’ve disconnected myself in attempt to find myself instead of looking through a screen about all the “what if’s” or “what could be’s”.

The reality of my life right now is that I’m like a lost puppy trying to find its way back home.  I don’t know which way I’m headed and there’s no map for me to even pick up to redirect me. I currently have a job that makes me a miserable person for 5 out of 7 days of the week.  That is the sole culprit for all my stress and anxiety.  Because I work every weekend (both Saturday and Sunday), I am unable to go on adventures like all the people on Instagram get to go on.  I miss out on fun weekend adventures like that.  I don’t look forward to weekends like 95% of Americans do because weekends mean work for me.  I’ve disconnected myself from social media because I can’t let myself continue to compare my current life to those I see on social media.  It’s just not mentally healthy for me. It took me a long time to realize that some of my stress, anxiety, and sadness were stemming from social media, especially Instagram, so now I have realized it I have disconnected myself.

The majority of pictures on social media are “happy pictures” – pictures of people smiling, pictures of people overlooking scenic landscapes, pictures of people out adventuring with a loved one or their loyal four-legged pup, the list goes on.  My Instagram feed tends to portray the good in people’s lives.  I only get to see the good in these stranger’s I follow on Instagram.  Maybe behind that “happy picture” there’s stress and anxiety that’s hidden.  I’m not saying that I’m mad at people for posting “happy pictures” because there are days when I’m genuinely excited to see people having a good time and living a good life.  I’m simply stating that at this point in  my life, social media is causing me more sadness than happiness.   And for that reason, I have disconnected myself.

My current job situation causes me enough sadness and anxiety.  The additional sadness and anxiety caused by social media is just unnecessary at this time in my life.  It’s becoming unhealthy for me.  So, to clarify, I am indeed happy for anyone that gets to share their memories, experiences, and adventures on social media but I just need to be disconnected for now for my own mental health.  Instagram followers, Twitter followers, and Facebook friends:  I hope you’ll understand that I’m not ignoring you or purposefully not liking your posts, I just need to disconnect.

A much needed life update….

I just finished reading my last blog post which was a very long 3 months ago.  I feel like a lot has happened in the past 3 months – good things, not so good things, and everything in between.  Here is my attempt to reflect on everything that has happened and to share with the rest of the world what’s been going on.

GENERAL LIFE UPDATES:

• I resigned from my old part-time job to take on a new full-time job.  The first 2-3 weeks of this job I was extremely stressed out and time-management became essential for my sanity (although I’m pretty sure I lost my sanity a few times in the process of settling in to this job)
• I got my hair cut trimmed – this is a rare occurrence for me that happens 2-3 times per year.
• I wrote a lot of letters to Angela because she was completing her internship in California.  I love writing letters and since she was on the other side of the country I took full advantage of writing and sending letters to someone!
• I started mountain biking and road cycling a lot more.  In the past I was never confident mountain biking on technical and hilly trails.  Although I’m still not superwoman out on the trails and I still have to get off my bike sometimes and push it, I have gained more confidence in the past few months.  This is progress.  I also started doing more road cycling with a group which I’ve really come to enjoy.  I actually also participated in my first ever time trial (TT) a few weeks ago and although I felt horrible during it, I’m really looking forward to seeing if I can improve my time next TT!
• I’ve attended 3 birthday parties – Josh’s neighbor’s son’s, Josh’s nephew, and my mommom’s.  We just had my mommom’s party last night and we got to do a paint night with an art instructor.  My painting can be best described as “special” and “unique” because I have very minimal artistic ability.
• I had to get my Macbook repaired because the screen randomly stopped working.  Thanks to Apple Care, my screen has been replaced cost-free!  [this is also another reason I haven’t been able to blog!]
• Unfortunately, with all these good things happening, I’ve still had an excessive amount of stress and anxiety these past few months.  It has gotten to the point where I have mini meltdowns over the littlest, pettiest things.  I’ve had a lot of decision making to do, a hectic schedule with nearly every day and night packed with something to do, and just general life stress.  Luckily I have very supportive family and friends, and a boyfriend who can put small things into perspective for me.  This, I have become very grateful for and I can realize in retrospect that the small, petty things that upset me really didn’t matter in the big picture.
• I have resigned from the full-time job I took on in the beginning of the summer to take on a new job at the same place I completed my internship at back in April.  They called me a few weeks ago and offered me a job, and after much deliberation, tears, and praying, I decided to leave my full-time job for this new job.  So yes, in just 3 months, I’ve resigned from an old job, accepted a new job, resigned from the new job, and accepted a new-new-newer job.  I will have a lot more potential at this new job than at my current job and it’s directly related to my exercise science degree.  This is the right move for me in the current moment and I am excited to officially start this new job later this week!

RUNNING UPDATES:

• I’ve gone exploring with Josh!  We started expanding our trail running boundaries beyond New Jersey and Delaware.  In the past few months we’ve done a couple runs at Fair Hills State Park, a run at French Creek State Park, a weekend mini vacation at Worlds End State Park, a day trip at Hickory Run State Park, and a day trip up Mount Tammany and on the Appalachian Trail.  These were all such great experiences and new trails always make us happy.  We haven’t neglected our usual running locations but we’ve definitely enjoyed expanding our trail interests.  I’m so happy to have such a great person to go exploring with!
• My mileage is very low.  I haven’t been putting in nearly as many miles as I usually am this time of year.  My motivation has been low, my full-time job has made my life crazy, I have been riding my bike more frequently, and I was still trying to recover from the ultra.  This heat has also put a damper on my running spirits but I’m hoping that in a few weeks that September will bring cooler weather.
• The mileage that I have been doing has been very slow.  I haven’t been running fast AT ALL and when I do I feel like I’m exerting all my energy.  This has been frustrating to me at times because there are times that I want to pick up the pace a little.  I rarely use my watch and when I do, I don’t look at my mile splits.  I would rather run by feel than stressing myself over numbers.
• I ran the 4th of July race that I do every year.  I didn’t run a PR but I wasn’t expecting a PR either.  I knew I wasn’t in race shape for such a short race.  I had been ultra-training for 3-4 months leading up to that day.  I just needed to run the race to keep tradition.
• I’ve done more 6 AM runs in the past 2 months than ever before.  Due to my work schedule, I’ve just found it easier to set my alarm for 5:40, wake up and get in some miles on the trail.  At first, my body hated it.  I felt extremely sluggish and my legs were achey.  But in the past few weeks, I’ve actually felt normal on these 6 AM runs.  This is progress for me.
• I got a new pair of Altra LonePeaks and Altra Torins because I needed to replace my old ones.  I could feel the wear on them and I knew that if I didn’t invest in a new pair that I would become injured very soon.  These are still my favorite shoes and my favorite brand!

I think this pretty much sums up everything. In the past week and a half I’ve become obsessed with watching the US dominate at the Olympics.  Marathon training will begin next Monday and my new job will begin this Saturday.  Angela is coming home.  Fall is approaching.  There’s a lot to look forward to in the next few weeks and months ahead.

Things I need to remind myself moving forward:

• everything works out someway, somehow
• stay focused on your goals
• don’t be afraid to take risks
• be yourself
• everyday is a gift – be happy!